More random acts of kindness, please!

I cooked tea for a friend the other day.

"Thanks", she said. "D'you know, that's the first meal anyone has cooked for me since my birthday. In fact, now I come to think of it, my birthday was the last time anyone did anything at all for me. Before that ... well, I can't remember".

I know the feeling. As a single parent, I spend a lot of my time doing things for other people - giving out and almost never receiving. I guess the same is true for a lot of parents, and a lot of single people. It can get you down.

This morning I got upset because I had to make sandwiches, help find a tie and change for the bus, get a towel for one son stranded in the shower and mop up a puddle after the other - all before 8am - and all I really wanted to do was finish my cup of tea before it got cold. Feeling sorry for myself, I started to think how nice it would be if someone would occasionally make a cup of tea for me. Nothing too ambitious... Just a cup of tea.

Everyone needs some love, attention and kindness, and if you don't get enough, it can make you very miserable.

The trouble is, once you're in the habit of giving more than you take from the world, it's a hard one to break. After a while, if your needs aren't getting met, you start to feel that they must somehow be huge and unreasonable. You become reluctant to ask other people for favours - even relatively simple ones like "Would you give me an hour off from the kids?" or "Please rub my shoulders for me" or "Can I have a cup of tea?" - because you worry that maybe you're being greedy. Or worse, you worry the person you ask might say 'no', and you're not sure you could handle the rejection.

Some people get their needs met by paying for them. I know plenty of people who pay for babysitters and restaurant meals and massages, and one or two have even admitted to paying for sex. But other people find it difficult and upsetting to pay for things they'd really like to be given as treats, maybe because it feeds a feeling that no-one loves them enough to do it for free.

But unmet needs grow and grow. Before long, you may even find you're not meeting any of your own needs. Maybe you know it would make you feel good to have a long bath, go for a run, meet up with friends, sing, bonk, dance, sleep more, eat better ... but you just can't seem to get round to it. You've forgotten how to be kind to yourself. Next stop, depression.

Our society just isn't a happy place right now. It's hard to escape the conclusion that nationally, maybe even globally, we've neglected our need for love, attention, enjoyment and kindness so long that we've forgotten how meet our own needs for these things.

Let's break the pattern. The peace activist and off-beat, inspiring, crazy thinker Anne Herbert recommends 'making generous trouble'. Like she says, "We could maybe go outside and meet and act like we're not jerks, like we're imaginative and creative and generous".

So, whenever you can, whenever you think of it, practice random kindness. Do something for someone else, without being asked. Cook a meal, smile at a stranger, leave something pretty on the bus, drop a fiver. If you need other ideas, have a look at this list, or google 'random acts of kindness' for more.

And remember, kindness isn't difficult; it's just something we've forgotten to do often enough. You can make a start with me, if you like. Nothing too ambitious ... just a cup of tea!

Flow x