Happiness is contagious!

It's official - happiness is catching!

A new study, carried out by Harvard Medical School and published last week in the British Medical Journal, found that people who are surrounded by happy people are more likely to be happy themselves.

This means that YOU are more likely to be happy if you have a happy spouse, happy neighbours, and happy friends who live near by!

The researchers used a technique called 'social network analysis' to find out who was friends with whom, and how this related to how happy each person felt. Like all research, the study has its strengths and weaknesses, but overall the findings are significant and reliable, as well as cheering!

The more happy people you know, the happier you are likely to be; and the nearer those people are to you, the bigger the happiness-effect will be.

It seems that communities have an important role in making individuals happy. As the researchers themselves say, there is now "further justification for seeing happiness, like health, as a collective phenomenon". This chimes with other research this year which suggested a new formula for happy communities: Neighbourliness + Empowerment = Wellbeing.

Now, although we may be encouraged to go out and find lots of happy people to surround ourselves with, this equation is also a reminder that happiness isn't everything. I'm sure we all know a grouchy-but-supportive neighbour or relative - the sort of person who's good in a crisis, who'll help when your pipes burst in the middle of the night, or when you need an emergency babysitter. Also, those random acts of kindness that spread so much happiness can even be carried out by someone in a bad mood. (Bus drivers specialise in this, I find!)

And of course, more often than not, you make yourself happy when you spread happiness. You'll all know the feeling: you start out miserable, but then you do something kind and spread a little happiness - and soon you feel much better!

Yes, happiness spreads like the 'flu ... and 'though we're most likely to catch it from our friends, sometimes even a misery-guts can pass it on!






Flow x

There's love and hope - not 'pure evil' - in Shannon Matthews' community

Once upon a time there was a poor little girl who was kidnapped and held prisoner for almost three weeks, tied up and drugged and made to keep quiet. Her mother called for help, and the police launched one of the biggest and most expensive searches in British history, backed by a community that stayed awake for nights on end and combed the streets looking for the missing girl.

But this isn't another fairy tale.

Yesterday, as you probably already know, Shannon Matthews' mother Karen was convicted of kidnapping her own daughter, and of false imprisonment and perverting the course of justice. The police spokesperson Det. Supt. Andy Brennan described her as 'pure evil'.

Now 'evil' is a very tricky thing to define. I'd argue that before you can say what 'evil' is, you probably have to define 'good' and also God. But in everyday usage, when you call someone 'evil' it means something more like "I don't like them 'cos I think they do really bad things". The Urban Dictionary (admittedly more amusing than authoratative) adds: "More specifically, they don't give a shit about anyone but themselves, their money and anyone who might help them get their money".

Personally, I'd say that Karen Matthews seems to have acted nastily, cruelly, dangerously, thoughtlessly, selfishly, stupidly and probably greedily ... but I'd be hard pushed to call her 'evil'. I'm with Bruno Bettleheim on this, who thinks notions of good and evil belong in fairytales, and that in reality - uncomfortably - we are all "good and bad at the same time".

I really wish that police officers would keep opinions like this to themselves. The job of the police force is to ensure safe, strong communities - and spreading hatred is never, ever going to help. Brennan's comment reveals a primative psychology that seems to believe - like a simple fairy-tale or young child - or tabloid reader - that "A person is either good or bad, nothing in between". Grown-ups with responsible positions really should know better.

And thankfully, Shannon Matthews' own neighbours and community do know better.

Several news programmes have interviewed people from Dewsbury Moor, West Yorkshire - the neighbours and community activists on the Moorside estate who were actively involved in the hunt for Shannon. But although there is a sense of betrayal - after all, local people worked hard and selflessly for weeks - their anger has been restrained. By and large, local people seem to have resisted the urge to demonise Karen Matthews. One - tenants' rep Julie Busby - said on Radio 4 yesterday "Everybody's got views ... But I live on Moorside so I try to keep my views to myself ". I was impressed.

Dewsbury Moor is a strong community that has had a lot of bad press. But I live and work in the same Local Authority area, and have done bits of development work there in the past, and can tell you it doesn't deserve its tabloid reputation. Standing out from the pack, Channel 4 news has tried to paint a fairer picture of this "remarkably resilient and generous community that feels betrayed both by Karen Matthews and much of the media coverage". As one Dewsbury woman put it: "I don't think it's as bad as they make out".

The community is remarkable and inspiring because it is fighting against a tide of negative media coverage - and is so far resisting the temptation to join a tabloid witch-hunt. Good on them, I say!

And best of all, local people are remembering who is really the important person in all of this - the little girl Shannon herself.

I'll give the (almost) last word to local resident Petra Jamieson, speaking on the Channel 4 news broadcast yesterday: "I hope one day she'll come back onto Moorside estate and see the people that went out for 24 days searching for her, knowing that we all care about her, and we still will".

That gives me hope that after all, there's love - not hatred or 'evil' - in the heart of our communities.

Flow x

Spread some warmth!

Eee but it's cold out there - look at the frost! (This was on the bonnet of a car we passed on the way to school yesterday).

How-so-ever, out of the blue, I have received two little nuggets of cosmic warmth; real chestnuts of unexpected and un-asked-for positivity!

The first was from someone who enjoyed a comment I'd left on a bulletin board. Though we'd never met or even talked, he emailed me just to say "Thanks for the humour!"

The second was another email, this time from a guy called Chris who runs the Facebook group 'Optimists Unite! Freedom for Happiness!'. He sent round a message to group members, just to spread some love. Here's part of it:

"I wonder if you realise, just how beautiful you are? Without you, the world would be incomplete. If you've ever felt alone, then you'll know how important it is to show how much you care. If you've ever felt helpless, then you know how it is to feel alone.

"The whole is always greater than the sum of its parts. We're all here for each other, and together we are stronger. Don't let lies tear us apart and weaken our resolve. Let truth bring us together so that we can truly evolve.

"Honesty is Love for yourself. Truth is love for others. Be true to yourself and honest to the people around you, and great things shall befall you... for you are sublime.

"The truth is... you are beautiful. You are the most caring, understanding, and wise person I know. I know this because I only know one... I know myself, and I know that we are of the same spirit, devoid of ego.

"Love yourself unconditionally: Heal the spirit. Love others unconditionally: Heal the world".

How wonderful it felt to be given some appreciation, optimism and inspiration when I least expected it. What's more, I'd been having a down-patch, and was more-than-ever in need of some warmth.... And along came these guys, helping to re-ignite a little spark of spirit! They were certainly making the flow more sparkly!

It gave me a boost of energy, and I was able to pass on some of the positivity to other people, through my own little acts of appreciation. Maybe this post will do the same for you. Go on ... Tell someone you know that they are wonderful ... I dare you!

Flow x

The trouble with teens ...

My close friends already know I'm having a bit of a tough time with my teenager at the moment. He's 13, and testosterone has just begun to kick in big-time. If you remember Kevin the Teenager from the Harry Enfield sketch show in the 90s, you'll have a fair idea of what he's like on a bad day ... except there's more swearing in our house. Sometimes I wish I had a BBC sound editor living here to bleep it all out. They could join my 'fantasy parenting' team of essential support staff, along with the cleaner, the cook, the counsellor, and whoever can get here first with a large bottle of whisky.

But I don't want to give you the impression it's always Hell at home. A lot of the time he's lovely. He still talks to me (there's no grunting yet!) and he can make interesting conversation, too. He does his share of the housework, sometimes without even being asked. On my birthday, he cooked tea for the whole family - grilled salmon, new potatoes and veg - and it was delicious. And I've just eaten the fried egg sandwich that he made me for lunch, while I got on with this.

Out and about, he's usually pretty good too. Other mums tell me how helpful and sweet he is with their smaller children. Local shop-keepers regularly compliment me on my son's good manners (really and truly - I'm not making that up!). Sometimes, indeed, he is almost heroic: he carried shopping for a struggling neighbour recently, even though some other boys were watching and scoffing at him; and he jumped in the canal a couple of weeks ago to rescue someone's struggling dog.

So what am I complaining about, eh?!

Well, the flip side of this loveliness is sometimes pretty grim. School doesn't suit him, and while serious trouble is rare, there are a whole string of minor problems, and he's more likely to bring home stress than homework. Then, as well as the day-to-day stomping and Kevin-ness, there are occasional bursts of very stupid or dangerous behaviour. At the moment, for example, he and some friends are excluded from school (that's 'suspended' in old money) for bringing in a lighter and playing with fire in the sports hall. Exclusion brings a whole pile of hassle and - since he's a boy who doesn't like school anyway - it is certainly more of a punishment for me than for him.

Then there's trouble that descends and lands on him, unexpectedly. A couple of weeks ago he was robbed in the street by two thugs who threatened to kill him if he didn't hand over his 'phone. He was physically fine but we were all a bit shaken, and for me that also meant stressful conversations with the local police, the CID in the city where it happened, and the youth worker who was supposed to be looking after him at the time.

The trouble with teens, from a parent's point of view, is that it's an emotional roller-coaster. When I wake up each morning, I don't know whether to expect shouting or smiles, trauma or delight. Almost certainly, by the time I get to bed, I will have been though all of these, and a fair few other feelings too. Teenage emotions are dramatic... and my teenager seems to change like the weather, blowing through my day, leaving me storm-tossed or sunburnt!

Angel or devil - superhero or villain - or even ordinary mortal boy - it's all absolutely exhausting.

Which brings me to the real trouble with teens. There are lots and lots of rules and systems in place to control them and punish them when they do wrong, but there's very little support to help them do right. It's more-or-less all down to me, and I'm pretty much on my own. As a single parent, I find it particularly hard sometimes ... But don't get me started on absent fathers now... And I'll save my rant on how society is failing boys for another blog.

Being a parent of a teenager is certainly a lesson in learning to 'go with the flow', and I know I'm not very good at that yet! A wise friend once said, after listening to me let off steam, "Yes, it's shit, Flow ... but it doesn't have to be our shit!" And as I sit on my life-raft and watch the flotsam and jetsam and smashed-up cargo of teenage life float past me, I need to remember that a lot of it isn't his shit either.




Flow x