The trouble with teens ...

My close friends already know I'm having a bit of a tough time with my teenager at the moment. He's 13, and testosterone has just begun to kick in big-time. If you remember Kevin the Teenager from the Harry Enfield sketch show in the 90s, you'll have a fair idea of what he's like on a bad day ... except there's more swearing in our house. Sometimes I wish I had a BBC sound editor living here to bleep it all out. They could join my 'fantasy parenting' team of essential support staff, along with the cleaner, the cook, the counsellor, and whoever can get here first with a large bottle of whisky.

But I don't want to give you the impression it's always Hell at home. A lot of the time he's lovely. He still talks to me (there's no grunting yet!) and he can make interesting conversation, too. He does his share of the housework, sometimes without even being asked. On my birthday, he cooked tea for the whole family - grilled salmon, new potatoes and veg - and it was delicious. And I've just eaten the fried egg sandwich that he made me for lunch, while I got on with this.

Out and about, he's usually pretty good too. Other mums tell me how helpful and sweet he is with their smaller children. Local shop-keepers regularly compliment me on my son's good manners (really and truly - I'm not making that up!). Sometimes, indeed, he is almost heroic: he carried shopping for a struggling neighbour recently, even though some other boys were watching and scoffing at him; and he jumped in the canal a couple of weeks ago to rescue someone's struggling dog.

So what am I complaining about, eh?!

Well, the flip side of this loveliness is sometimes pretty grim. School doesn't suit him, and while serious trouble is rare, there are a whole string of minor problems, and he's more likely to bring home stress than homework. Then, as well as the day-to-day stomping and Kevin-ness, there are occasional bursts of very stupid or dangerous behaviour. At the moment, for example, he and some friends are excluded from school (that's 'suspended' in old money) for bringing in a lighter and playing with fire in the sports hall. Exclusion brings a whole pile of hassle and - since he's a boy who doesn't like school anyway - it is certainly more of a punishment for me than for him.

Then there's trouble that descends and lands on him, unexpectedly. A couple of weeks ago he was robbed in the street by two thugs who threatened to kill him if he didn't hand over his 'phone. He was physically fine but we were all a bit shaken, and for me that also meant stressful conversations with the local police, the CID in the city where it happened, and the youth worker who was supposed to be looking after him at the time.

The trouble with teens, from a parent's point of view, is that it's an emotional roller-coaster. When I wake up each morning, I don't know whether to expect shouting or smiles, trauma or delight. Almost certainly, by the time I get to bed, I will have been though all of these, and a fair few other feelings too. Teenage emotions are dramatic... and my teenager seems to change like the weather, blowing through my day, leaving me storm-tossed or sunburnt!

Angel or devil - superhero or villain - or even ordinary mortal boy - it's all absolutely exhausting.

Which brings me to the real trouble with teens. There are lots and lots of rules and systems in place to control them and punish them when they do wrong, but there's very little support to help them do right. It's more-or-less all down to me, and I'm pretty much on my own. As a single parent, I find it particularly hard sometimes ... But don't get me started on absent fathers now... And I'll save my rant on how society is failing boys for another blog.

Being a parent of a teenager is certainly a lesson in learning to 'go with the flow', and I know I'm not very good at that yet! A wise friend once said, after listening to me let off steam, "Yes, it's shit, Flow ... but it doesn't have to be our shit!" And as I sit on my life-raft and watch the flotsam and jetsam and smashed-up cargo of teenage life float past me, I need to remember that a lot of it isn't his shit either.




Flow x

If the grown-ups can't play nicely, don't blame the kids

So, where do you stand on the Ross-Brand-Sachs affair?

I know this probably feels like old news by now, but yesterday, the BBC broadcast an apology during the Radio 2 slots that would usually be filled by Jonathan Ross and Russell Brand, and today the Mail is leading with yet another finger-wagging story. And I won't sleep tonight unless I get some things off my chest!

So, are you outraged that two highly-paid presenters sank to such abuse in the name of comedy? Do you see their on-air swearing and rambling as the thin edge of a moral decline? Do you see it as proof the disrespect of the young - yet another symptom of 'yob culture'? Are you one of the 37,000 or so people who have complained to the BBC?

Or did you think the broadcast was funny? Are you angry that shows you love have been pulled from the air? Do you see the 'official' reactions as a threat to artistic freedom, or even an attack on freedom of speech? Are you shocked that the BBC gave in to tabloid pressure? Are you one of the 53,300 people who have so far joined the biggest Facebook support group?

And the million dollar question: have you actually listened to the controversial broadcast or recordings of it? If you answered 'yes' to any of the above questions, I bloody well hope so!

Personally, I am pretty much bored with the details of this individual case. Although clearly, mistakes were made and offense was given, I don't believe these were as important as millions of other mistakes and offenses that fill our world. Like war, poverty and global debt, say. Or Jeremy Clarkson and Bruce Forsyth.

But I can't stop thinking about it, because so many of the reactions - especially the Mail's vitriol, but also many of the comments on online discussion boards - seem to be part of Britain's favourite passtime, Youth Bashing. (And leave aside the inconvenient fact that Brand and Ross are hardly young!)

Look what happens, they seem to say, when we let the kids out to play. Young people are out of control and anti-social. They're yobs, and they need punishing.

Now, I'm not here to defend Ross and Brand. Personally, I did find bits of the broadcast funny, but that's because I have a twisted sense of humour. But I happen to think they were doing exactly what they were employed to do: of course 'cutting edge' performers risk going over the edge from time to time; that's why we need editors.

Ross and Brand were improvising - joy-riding on the flow rather than going with it - with no regard for the possible crash victims. And of course the BBC deliberately employs a whole posse of 'boy racers', of whom Ross and Brand are only two. Punishing them when they push the limits feels like entrapment. Imagine what would happen if the police removed all the speed cameras, filled the petrol tanks of some fast shiny cars and left them empty by the side of the road, engines running. Do you think the boy racers would breaks laws? Oh yes!

And it really galls me that the Daily Mail is, above all, a rag for aging boy racers. Despite all their complaining and raging at the 'yob culture', they still lead campaigns against speed cameras and higher petrol prices. No-one enjoys a bit of finger-wagging more than those who, secretly or unconsciously, envy those they wag their fingers at. I know I'm saying nothing new here, but their hatred and hypocricy are hard to stomach.

I am very deeply worried by our culture of Youth Bashing. It is unfair and unhealthy. It is devisive and dangerous. It's no wonder that Britain's young people are the unhappiest in the Western world.

I don't deny there's a problem. I accept that some kids are out of control and there are some nasty little so-and-sos about. There are of course also lots and lots of lovely children around, and everyone knows that young people are more likely to be victims of crime than perpetrators (my son got mugged last week, remember). But no-one who spends any time with children will deny that lots of them seem to have problems with playing nicely.

So here's my theory, my Big Idea: we've forgotten how to play. Not all of us, maybe, but most. Adults have got so serious that all recreations - even so-called games - have become things that must have a purpose: you do an evening class to 'improve yourself', you play squash or football 'to keep fit' or join a club for 'networking' - rather than for enjoyment. When did you last do something that was purely for fun?

If you can answer that question, then you're one of the lucky ones. I bet many people reading this can't. And if so many of the grown-ups have forgotten how to play, no wonder some of the kids have never learned.

So here's what I recommend: do something silly, and soon! Do it today, or tomorrow; don't put it off any longer. Do something that you will enjoy, and preferably something that will make you laugh a low-down, wicked belly laugh!

And maybe if the grown-ups begin to have some fun again, they'll stop finger-wagging at the kids.

Flow x

P.S. If you think I'm exaggerating the way this debate has polarized and
personalized into youth-bashing, listen to just a few of the comments posted on the Daily Mails' discussion board:

"How many are actually old enough to pay for their own tv licences, like the rest of us who complained? Grow up" (the_historian)

"You're ... one of the knuckle dragging troglydites. And with your date of birth being so recent in this unenlightened age ,coupled with your use of the term "bring it on", you are obvioulsy still but a child hence you don't know any better" (straddle)

"Let´s all blame Ross´s mother for his disgusting behaviour and his father (if he ever had one)" (maztheraz)

"It is no wonder we have foul mouthed, feral kids roaming the streets, when
they are weaned on a diet of broadcasted filth, unchecked or corrected by
equally 'brainwashed' parents" (imself)

And the BBC's own discussion boards also have plenty of people blaming the youth and 'popular' culture - although perhaps less crudely:

"Last month I had some kids throw a brick through my car windscreen 'for
a laugh'... I wasn't laughing and neither it seems is Sachs. Perhaps this
attitude: by 'entertainers' earning more in a week than I earn in a year explain
why kids think mindless, distressing acts are acceptable" (peter_sym).

"People who live on a diet of junk food and pop frequently end up being fat. My question is, do people who continually feed their minds with pap and pop often end up with fat heads?" (supportthesuperbra).